Ashes to Ashes

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: They all belong to Lucas.

I stand here on the hill and gaze at you. The gentle list of the soft grass falls off sharply just beyond you…dropping off into a wide valley. Mist hangs there, flowing, like a giant river of air, and through it all, the emerald tops of trees press out…dark in contrast to the shifting gray.

Your saber is still lit. It shines so brightly, emerald in the cool day air. Your chest is covered in bruises and sweat…mud is everywhere…on your skin, your clothes. I know it coats me just as much…Your long hair billows around you in the breeze. You and I could be standing on a hilltop on Yavin, for all the serenity that surrounds us. But we are not.

No.

The bodies that litter the ground around us are testimony to the violence that we have witnessed. Testimony to our victory. Testimony to how far we can fall.

“Master?” I say, shifting on my feet. My braid is hanging loose, tattered about my shoulders. I can hear your heavy breathing…the way that your breath hitches on some of the inhales. Hours we have fought…it seems like days. Both your and my body will be hurting for days….when we rest…

“Yes, Padawan.”

Your voice sounds dead, so very dead…as if your life-force has simply bled out of you. Battles always wear on you. They wear at me also…

“We have to lay these bodies to rest, Padawan…their life force needs freedom…”

I nod, hearing your voice, normally booming… tempered to a tight whisper, barely audible over the breeze. The wind whips your hair up and around your head and I extinguish my saber. Why I have stood here for what seems days with it lit is beyond me….but the numbness that covers me makes me think it is shock…dismay…

Horror.

Forty men lay around us. Forty. Men that were the enemy of the cause for which we fought. Men who attacked us…men who stood for tyranny. Representatives of a government that were killing and maiming people with no rhyme or reason…women children…innocents… It had to end…it had to be stopped…it was for this reason that we were sent here. It was…

“The will of the Force, Padawan…” You finally turn and face me. Your eyes are lifeless, cold and they seem not to be a part of you.

“Master…there was nothing…”

You sigh heavily and turn back to look over the life that surrounds us. I shake my head. Ten years of studying the Force…ten years…of following you and your profound belief in the Will of the Force. I have come to believe in it as you do…wholly and with all my being. We cannot question what we do as we follow its course…never question… Our blades are impartial…they will cut where they will…led only by the Force.

“Obi-Wan…we need to attend.”

I clip my saber to my belt with a sigh. With a nod, I move off to the south…over the hill.

You wipe your brow. Your tunic has been replaced on your shoulders, but it hangs open. The flames of the bonfire that we have lit lick at you as you place yet another body into its arms. We are following the dictates of the culture and cremating the bodies. The white-hot flames of the inferno are claiming the bodies and are setting the life-force of the men free. Your back is streaked with blood, sweat and the Force knows…tears as well.

I place another man there and step back. I look to you and see that you are still quiet…still withdrawn. What is it that bothers you so? Our mission is accomplished.

“Master?”

You are in shadow as you straighten your back. All I can see now is the glow about you. “No, Obi-Wan.”

“No?” What do you speak of? No what? No, the mission is not done? I ask you quietly, almost in tune with the crackling fire.

“It is not the completion of the mission that saddens me. It is the course of which we followed to this point.” Your voice is low, controlled and you finally turn to look at me. “The Force led us here, gave us what we needed to complete the end of this mission, but it does not act always in ways that seem fair.”

“Fair?!” I almost shout. Quickly, I calm my mind and voice. “Master they were…”

“Fathers. Brothers. Lovers and Husbands, Obi-Wan. They were as human as you and I.”

I open my mouth to speak, but you continue, stalking close to me.

“Do you know about what these governments are fighting? Do you know the cultural premise behind it, Obi-Wan? Trade. Warring families and trade routes. Money. The age old reason for fighting that seems as no reason at all in the face of deaths such as these.”

“We were sent here by the Council.”

“Yes, Padawan, we were. And we acted in accordance with the Force in this matter, of that I have no doubt. I have no doubt that what we have done, what we have accomplished here will slide into the larger plan that the Force has. But I may never see it in full completion.”

I lean back against the rock near the fire that burns. I can feel the heat on my skin and feel…purified by it. “Master…the Force serves us…”

“As we serve it, Obi-Wan.as we serve it. Remember that. The Unifying Force allows for manipulation, the Living Force feeds us and strengthens us…but we also strengthen it. We follow its dictates, the same as it follows ours…it is a circle, Padawan…a circle of power, light and life. But…” your voice lowers again as you pace finally to stand immediately in front of me. “But that does not always mean that I will feel good about where it leads. I am a part of it. I cannot see the outcome…the plan…I merely exist. I know its ultimate outcome will be as it states…but sometimes it hurts me to follow it…”

“Master?”

“Killing, Obi-Wan, has never been a loved pass-time for me. I do so as needed, and only when needed. This battle, this…massacre…was…” you swallow and stare at me for a moment. “It hurts me…Obi-Wan…I see death. It hurts the human in me. But, I know that my choice to what needs to be done…if I am true to the Force…is not my own to make. It has/was and will always be made for me…my choices…it is simply the will of the Force. And I am an instrument of that…”

“But an instrument of good…”I state.

Your hand straightens out behind you and I see it shake a little before you close the fist and it shakes. You draw my attention to the fire. To the ashes, the flames, as they dance in the night. “Tell that to their families, Obi-Wan. They care not for the course of the Force in the universe…they care about their lives and families…as it should be.”

“Master…”

“We serve the Force, Obi-Wan. We are Jedi. Our lives are not our own. Never our own. Actions we have, if proper, are not of issues born of us…but rather issues as large as the galaxy. I accept my life. I accept what I am to do. But sometimes…it hurts, Padawan. And sometimes the hurt affects me. You will come to understand, I hope, someday. Why it is that we never numb from killing, we simply accept. Pray…pray, Padawan…that you never numb. Hold that part of your humanity.”

With that, you turn and move away from me. I miss your overwhelming presence, as it had been for the last several minutes, tall and imposing. You stand in front of the fire, your arms clasped behind your back, and your head hung.

The heat from the fire warms the two of us. A Master…and an apprentice: one learned, the other learning. I am twenty-two and near to my trials…a man…but I realize that I have so much more to learn. I step forward to join you.

**************** Although I would like our world to change/ It helps me to appreciate/ Those nights and those dreams/But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights/ If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same/ The only difference is/ To let love replace all our hate

-Higher, Human Clay Album by Creed